2006 SCREWBALL REGATTA

   Put it down to the balmy weather. Or the fact that the 2006 Screwball regatta at Pointe Claire Yacht Club had attracted an unprecedented 16 boats. But it was difficult to ignore the buzz of anticipation rippling throughout the fleet before the first race last Saturday morning.
   Nor did the buzz abate throughout the two-day event, which saw 12 boats from Montreal and four from Ottawa compete in relatively calm and comfortable conditions (comfortable, that is, if you could ignore the sea of Triffid-like greenery that vengefully attacked many a rudder and centerboard).
   Several teams had reunited for the event while a couple would be working together for the first time.
   In the latter category were Andrew McCrae and hotshot wunderkind Steven Waldie, sailing for the first time as a duo.
   The happily reunited duos included Mike McEvoy of Ottawa, who teamed up with his former crew, Jason Phillips, now of Toronto. After a premature start in the first race, they steadily improved throughout the next six until, in the final, they beat Robert Levy and Phil Lawee by a boat length. Mike rubbed a bit of salt in the wound when he asked if Robert liked viewing the name of his boat “Lipstick” from behind the transom.
   Eric Owston was reunited with his former sailing buddy, Joe Grant, who gave the Screwball an international flavour by travelling from London for it. Eric and Joe were the guys to beat on Sunday. They had tied with Robert and Phil by the end of Saturday. Ultimately, they placed third.
   Jenn Davey and Toby Bryant were back as a team, placing seventh, despite a broken spinnaker pole that crippled them in the fifth race.
   Nicola Mocchiutti and Peter “aqua boy” Kelly teamed up and placed tenth. Peter, as you¹ll recall, was third at the World’s as a crew in 1996 and was de-throned this summer by our own Tom Egli, with a second place finish. They placed just behind Pierre Carpentier and Tom Bird, who were in one of the three boats that jumped the gun in the first race.
   There was a lot of excitement about the fact that several  teams travelled from our nation¹s capital for the event. The Montreal fleet was particularly impressed with the Ottawa duo of Rob Thompson and Alan Spurdle, who placed fifth.
    Alas, we missed the not-so-mellow-yellow boat of Joshua and Karin Foster on day two. The pair were MIA on Sunday but hard to miss on day one, thanks to their neon-coloured hull.
   Also representing Ottawa were Grant and Averil Lamont, who sailed very well to place fourth after the three top Montreal boats.
   There was a happy ending story in this regatta in the form of Moxie, Ian Ward¹s boat, which he sailed with Travis Bowser, who boasts an impressive sailing family lineage. Anyone who saw Moxie a week before the regatta would not have believed it would be sea-worthy in time. But Ian “Mr. Sandman” Ward spent the week (and we’re talking round the clock) sanding and varnishing and sleeping in the clubhouse (this reporter heard he crashed on the couch in the women¹s lockerroom but that detail needs to be confirmed) for a few hours each night when he wasn’t sanding and varnishing. He was last to leave the harbour on Saturday and many of us wondered if he’d make it. Moxie arrived in time for the second race. (There¹s a rumour that Travis would like to join the Pointe Claire fleet permanently and what a wonderful addition that would be.)
   Kerianne Boulva, sailing with Mike Wojtchak, was gently teased in the prize-giving ceremony for lustily exercising her vocal chords during the regatta. Awarding prizes on behalf of the Crew¹s Union, Andrew gave her devil’s horns, a tail and a pitchfork for allowing her “true self to show on the race course.” Her boat was equipped with a new Kevlar mainsail, which allowed her and Mike to sail fast enough to be neck-and-neck with Robert and Phil in the final race. “Flypaper” is the word that comes to mind.
   Malcolm Van Haeftan, the fleet¹s éminence grise, teamed up with Dan McDonough and kept the youth on his toes.
   The fleet welcomed back Donald Slessor, who sailed with the very flexible Ashtanga yogi, Robert Wilson-Smith, who limbered up with a couple of asanas before heading out on the water on Sunday.
   I¹m grateful to Jason Magder for permitting me to crew for him, knowing that I’m new to sailing this year and that, as a  neophyte, I have adopted as my sailing motto the words of Socrates: “All I know is I know nothing.” And when I say “nothing,” I’m referring specifically to the rigging of spinnakers and just about every other function expected of a crew.
    As fellow journalists, Jason and I spent the lull between races harvesting weeds, talking shop and badmouthing bad, bullying editors. I taught Jason to refer to those awful people as “editrixes.”
   So here’s how the regatta ultimately unfolded: The tight point spread between the top four finishers suggests how taut the competition was.
   Things looked pretty rosy for Eric Owston and Joe Grant, who had seven points after five races. By contrast, Joe Jospe and Tom Egli had 11, having placed fourth in the first race on Sunday; it looked as if they had an insurmountable challenge.
   Except that perhaps sailing is a bit like baseball. It¹s never over till it¹s over. And Joe and Tom pulled a rabbit out of a hat in the last two races to win the regatta.
   “We succumbed to the pressure of Joe and Tom,” Robert Levy euphemistically allowed. He and Phil placed second.
   Here endeth the straight reporting.

   Now for some observations and some advice from a newbie for whom this Screwball regatta was a first.

* Remember Scotty, the guy in Star Trek who would beam people up? Remember how he used to complain in a panicky voice that “we’re running our fasers at full force?”
   Well, if you ever want to hear a Kiwi version of that, try sailing really close to Toby Bryant in a race and yelling “starboard.” Then listen to Toby sound just like Scotty when he says: “We’re doing the best we can. You’ll have to move...” or something to that effect. It¹s quite amusing.

* A word of advice for all you middle-aged women in the fleet (and I¹ve noticed, my sisters, that there are few - if any - of you. This must change). If you’re seated at dinner beside Rob “the evil doctor” Thompson of Ottawa, and he asks you how old you are, do not say “guess,” because he will correctly guess your age and you¹ll feel really crappy.

* And finally, when you do an equipment check of your boat before setting out for the first race of Screwball 2007, be sure that you include a hoe (no, not that kind), a trowel, a pitchfork and any other equipment you use in your garden to control weeds. You¹ll need them.

Stephanie Whittaker